My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
