to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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