im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
