just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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