Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
