so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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