You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
