How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
