If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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