I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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