i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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