I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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