You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
