I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
