I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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