I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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