Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
