so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
