just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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