just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
