You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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