I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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