Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
