Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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