New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
