His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
