i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
