I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
