is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
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