Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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