I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
