Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
