I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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