next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
