we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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