My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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