best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
