The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
i think my cat just said my name.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
