At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
