k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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