3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
