I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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