I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I looked at my own cervix.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
