just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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