I wish my penis had an off switch
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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