I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
