Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
