please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize