Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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