I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
