you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
