I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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