Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
