I looked at my own cervix.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
