What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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