The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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