Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
