you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
