just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
