Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
