Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
