My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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