dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
